THE REAL REASON TO LOVE YOURSELF

If you follow us on Instagram, you may have noticed that KC and I (Suz, here!) spend a lot of time talking about beauty, self-worth, self-care, and self-love. Many young, female bloggers do. But today, I want to spend a little time explaining why the message you’ll get from us is not the same message you’ll get from other self-love platforms.

A WOMAN’S WORLD

One of the very honest, raw, and admirable things I have heard both my husband and my dad admit is that they will never fully be able to understand the world that women are forced to live in. 

In the 1950s, women were expected to spend 15 minutes before their husbands came home from work reapplying makeup, freshening up, and getting fully dressed up with a string of pearls and all, to give him his home-cooked meal. In the 1990s, women were expected to be rail-thin, and if they wanted any kind of leadership position normally taken on by a man, she would have to work harder, longer hours to make up for her not having male genitalia. Today, the rise of feminism has certainly opened new doors for us to walk through. But even with those open doors, a new kind of pressure has emerged. Yes, social media platforms are swarmed with “#bodyconfidence” posts about loving yourself at any size because “healthy is the new skinny”, but even that has created a guilt and self-loathing women experience if, God-forbid, she eats grains after 3:00 pm or has something with gluten in it. And yes, it’s amazing that women have finally made headway in the career world and are “#bossbabes” and entrepreneurs, but that, too, creates yet another set of standards we have to live up to. Is it not enough if she’s a stay-at-home mom? Is it not enough if she teaches piano from her living room? Is it not enough if she works at Target? Must she also be a CEO of a major company, fashion-blogger with hundreds of thousands of followers, start her own side hustle and quit her day job, all while taking beautiful photos of her homemade kale and quinoa salad?

This new generation we live in of female empowerment is not better than where we have come from. It is simply a different set of standards and rules we are expected to live up to. 

THE INNER VOICE

Recently, I was attending a marriage class at my church. It was the first class, and my husband couldn’t make it because he was out of town for work. I decided to go on my own anyway and fill him in later. During the class, we were asked to write down three negative statements we often tell ourselves. Following that, we are asked to write down three positive statements we often tell ourselves, or should often tell ourselves. I had no trouble coming up with three negative things I tell myself all the time. “I’m fat. I’m not pretty enough. I’m too much for people. I’m annoying. I’m obnoxious. I’m loud. I’m dramatic. I’m a liar because if he really knew my thoughts, he’d be so hurt. He wouldn’t love me the same way…” I could go on and on and on. Couldn’t you? Do you know what I had written for my positive list?

“I’m really funny.” 

Seriously. That’s my list. There were two other things I was debating about writing down. The first, “I’m a great friend.” The second, “I think I’m really beautiful.” Which I do tell myself some of the time. And in those moments, I’m grateful. But considering that is not my default, it wouldn’t have matched up with what I really tell myself day in and day out if I were to write it down.

One of the teachers of the class asked us to raise our hands if we were struggling to come up with a positive list of self-talk. I was the only one in the entire room to raise my hand. If I’m being honest, we all know I wasn’t the only one in that room who struggled with the positive list. I was just the only one who raised my hand. But at that moment, I was made very aware of how unhealthy my inner voice is.

I CHANGED MY MIND

If you know me in real life or have read previous articles I’ve written, you’ll know that I am not a fan of the concept of loving yourself first before you can love others. I simply have not been able to see how selfishness breeds sacrificial love for other people. Forgive me for putting it bluntly like that. But another thing I am a huge believer of is changing my mind. I am not so narrow-minded that if someone were to show me something in Scripture that points out an error in my thinking, that I would be unwilling to change my mind. With that being said, today I have a slightly new view of the concept of loving yourself first. Let me clear, I still believe that the world has taken a Godly concept and twisted it greatly. Human selfishness is simply not capable of creating love. It would be like saying that eating nothing but sugar and fast food builds a strong heart. It just can’t. BUT. I have been convinced that you cannot correctly value or love another until you have learned how to value and love yourself. This is not arrogance. This is not selfishness. And I will get to why it isn’t in just a moment.  The twisted view of this that I have been adamant about speaking against is how the world has decided it means putting your needs before someone else’s, thinking you’re better than someone else, being willing to do anything and everything it takes to have the best you can have even if it means stepping on another, and serving yourself before you serve those around you. Some of you may be reading this thinking, “Well, duh, Suzannah. But not many people actually do that.” If that’s the case for the people in your world, then I am elated to hear that. But that’s not my personal experience with the rest of the world.

SOURCES OF SELF-VALUE

“You cannot fully value or love others until you value and love yourself first.” 

When we value and love ourselves correctly, we are not being selfish. We are not being prideful. We are not being arrogant. We are simply agreeing with God when He says very clearly that we were made in His image (Genesis 1:27), that He delights over us with singing (Zephaniah 3:17), that we are His precious children (Romans 8:16), and we are chosen, holy, and dearly loved (Colossians 3:12).

If you’ll notice, none of these verses have mentioned anything about our appearance, our status, our possessions, or our careers. It also doesn’t mention anything about our health, our personalities, our attributes, our abilities, or our achievements. 

So I’m going to rewrite this idea in words that I think are a more accurate statement…

You cannot correctly value or love others until you value and love yourself first for no other reason other than because you exist, therefore extending that same selfless love and value to other people for no other reason than because they exist.

YOU ARE VALUED AND LOVED BECAUSE YOU EXIST

It became incredibly obvious to me very quickly that the bad days I have, and the depression I experience, has so much to do with my perceived self-value. I feel hopeless because my life looks different than I always thought it would. I feel useless because I’m not preaching or serving on mission trips as much as I want to. I feel like I’m missing out because I don’t have the resources to have the things other people do. I feel embarrassed because my bubbly, loud personality is overwhelming for some. I feel like damaged goods because my body is sick and I can’t do all the things other women can. And I feel frustrated because the world we live in has convinced me to feel shame if I want to eat a damn piece of bread. I have created a self-value based on my personality, my looks, my abilities, my achievements, and even my health. 

And I’m here to say that the God of the universe is trying to tell you that your value is based on the fact that you exist, and you are deeply loved and desired for that reason alone.

You, sweet reader, are valued and loved because you exist. Now, let’s go eat some carbs.

xo,
Suz