IS ANYBODY LISTENING?
“I try to explain that although I have a normal looking mouth, and attempting to eat anything feels like I’m shoving knives in my throat, everyone around me seems to respond by offering me a cheeseburger or asking if I, by any chance, have any snacks in my purse. Does anyone listen? Does anyone hear what I’m saying? No, they seem not to. But that, also, probably isn’t by choice. And I guess that would be the biggest problem of them all.”
The above text is from one of my personal journal entries I wrote, processing through all the doctor appointments I’ve been to over the last several months as I try to get a diagnosis for what’s going on with my body. I have been blown off by doctors, insulted, forgotten, and then on top of all that, when my nose broke out in sores and I had to go to Urgent Care, I even had a male nurse ask me if I thought maybe I was being “melodramatic”. I’m young, blonde, and female, so of course, I must just be melodramatic, right? It was a Staph infection, by the way. ON MY FACE. All women across America are spitting up their drinks right now.
I’ve also had people who are close to me say or do things that are completely insensitive knowing the pain my husband and I are up against. It would be like a child finding out they don’t get to go to the fair that they’ve been dreaming about their whole life, telling their friend how sad they are, and the friend responds with, “I am so sorry you don’t get to go. Oh, and by the way, I went yesterday and it was the most incredible thing I’ve ever experienced, and I’m going tonight, too! It’s too bad you can’t go, that’s such a bummer for you.”
IS ANYBODY LISTENING?
Is anybody listening? Does anyone do more than just hear? Are we digesting the words others share with us, empathizing with the weight they truly bear, or are we simply registering just enough to be able to check off the “how to handle hearing a friend in pain without being an insensitive jerk” box? You tell me.
We live in a world that is madly obsessed with self. We have endless rows of selfies on our phones. We’re trying to be as attractive as possible. We can’t walk by a mirror without looking at ourselves. We’re obsessed with getting more likes, comments, and followers. We’re glued to social media like crack. My husband often points out the people out together where friends are actually speaking to one another and not sitting next to each other on their phones. Or even if they are speaking to each other, the phones are present, either in front of their faces, or sitting on the table, screens up, ready to flash another notification and cue the dopamine release in your brain to keep you addicted. (That’s real, by the way). We have become a culture so wrapped up in our own personal agendas and to-do lists, feelings, opinions, and goings-on, that when others share something with us, we are often waiting for a gap so we can share what we think, we are secretly thinking about something we have going on and not providing them with our full attention, or we’re just thinking about we are going to say next. Is that what we have come to know as listening?
I don’t think we mean to be dismissive with our loved ones. I truly don’t. But the truth is, others don’t actually see your intentions. All they see are your actions and all they hear are your words. What are yours communicating? Ask yourself:
- Am I putting myself in her shoes when she’s sharing with me, imagining what I would be experiencing in that same situation?
- Am I worried about coming up with the right thing to say instead of just being present and focusing on each individual word she shares?
- Am I glancing over at my cell phone periodically to see if I’ve received a text?
- Am I looking around the room?
- Am I multitasking?
- Am I interrupting her, or even jumping in quickly the moment her sentence has finished without truly digesting what her words mean?
I’M A TERRIBLE LISTENER
No, seriously. My parents talk about how when I was a kid, they’d have to keep saying, “Zanny!” (my nickname) and redirecting my attention back to their eyes because mine would just keep wandering around the room as they tried to speak to me. And do you know when I got the idea for this blog? Sitting in church, eyes wandering the room, not listening. I am not immune to the Crappy Listener Syndrome that most of our culture has been diagnosed with. But if I’m being honest, now being on the other end in such a vulnerable position, begging someone to just listen, and not just hear the words I’m saying, makes me want to consciously kick my butt back into gear.
WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT?
The other day, KC texted me and asked me how I was doing with everything. She’s exceptional at checking in regularly and reminding me that I’m thought of, loved, and prayed for. I filled her in on the latest medical updates and she responded by asking me if she could help me in any way, even by making phone calls or searching for doctors for me. She ended up planning a day where she brought a box of donuts and her adorable little puppy over to my house, in another city, just to sit and be with me and give me a little sugar and animal therapy. And as we sat across the table from each other and I shared my heart with her, her eyes flooded with tears as she told me how sorry she was that I had to go through this, and that she hurts for me. And I believed her.
KC isn’t a doctor. She’s not a therapist. She doesn’t have any answers for me. She can’t take away my medical issues, she can’t give me the perfect doctor specializing in my condition, she can’t take the pain away, she can’t take the frustration away, she can’t solve a single thing. But she can come to meet me where I am, with a puppy and donuts in hand, and listen. And in that moment, I am reminded again that I’m not facing this mountain alone, but instead, have people who are asking to come climb it with me.
When we truly listen to try to understand another person on an empathetic level, we remind each other that we don’t have to climb mountains all alone. And considering we weren’t created to be able to get through this difficult life alone, of course, it would be excruciatingly tough to try. We were designed for companionship, and no, I don’t mean you need a boyfriend.
“Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.”
The above text is not an excerpt from my journal. It’s an excerpt from Solomon’s writings in Ecclesiastes (4:19-12 to be exact).
If truly listening and digesting the words others are sharing with you leads you to experience empathy for them, and that empathy moves you to reach out and offer a puppy and a donut (or 12), and that little act has the power to remind someone they don’t have to go it alone, then we have absolutely no excuse for being bad listeners.
What’s more important? Scrolling on Instagram, or helping your friend climb a mountain? You tell me.