“YOU’RE FAT!”
“YOU’RE FAT!”
The words that echoed as I swung on the swings when I was in second grade. I remember it like it was yesterday. I also remember just before, gazing out at the world every time that swing hit the high point. I felt free and so full of joy. Within moments those feelings were stolen through some very hurtful words. I imagine that kid today doesn’t remember saying those words to me. Why would he? We’ve all said things we don’t remember. Mostly we don’t remember because they didn’t affect us or attach us to a specific feeling like his words did to me.
I HATE THOSE WORDS
I hate those words. Probably because they hurt me so much throughout my life. But also, I hate the power that they carry. The power to completely alter our view of ourselves so quickly. If you’ve ever been called fat, I can almost guarantee you didn’t forget it. I’ve been called a lot of things, but this is one that stuck with me throughout my life.
LESSONS FROM OUR YOUTH
Growing up, my sweet father taught me a precious lesson. He wasn’t so concerned with me using bad words as he was with me using “hurt words”. He obviously cringed every time he heard his sweet daughter drop an “oh sh**!,” but it was absolutely unacceptable to ever direct hurt in the form of words towards another human. That stuck with me, too. I wish more parents taught their kids this. I’ve carried his lesson into my life as an adult. Although I am certain I’ve done my own part in hurting others through my actions, I’m just not programmed to use words with the attempt to hurt. I refuse to go there.
THE LIFELONG STRUGGLE
I’ve struggled my entire life with those words… “you’re fat!” My view of myself became a little more distorted and foggy every time someone has said that or anything else in regards to my weight. I developed a pretty consuming eating disorder that threatened my life more than once, even resulting in hospitalization for weeks, followed by a home nurse for months. My eating disorder looked different than what was obvious, especially because I was never underweight.
*** “You must be on the recovering side of your eating disorder.” ***
These were the first words out of the doctor’s mouth that was treating me for my eating disorder when I was 28 years old. I wasn’t underweight, in fact, I was overweight. So she ignorantly decided it would be appropriate to greet me that way. I recall an unbearable amount of hopelessness wash over me as I began to believe the lie that confirmed to me that I am alone and nothing but a joke to everyone around me.
MY OBSESSION
Let me describe what my eating disorder was like. It’s a bit extreme, but if you can relate on any level, you need to know you aren’t alone, and that there is freedom.
I became obsessed with diets. Every week I would start again. Sometimes it would be the same diet, other times I would be trying something new because previous diets had failed me. I would stick to it for about 3-4 days and workout 1-2 times a day. On the evening of day 3 or 4, I would emotionally break down and binge on an obscene amount of calories. Let me paint a picture of how it would go down. I would order a large pizza and eat the entire thing, followed by an entire pan of brownies. I would stuff myself ’til I was sick, and then justify throwing up because I was so uncomfortable. Once I threw up, I could finish eating. My mindset was that I wasn’t bulimic because I didn’t throw up everything I ate, I only threw up cause I was so miserable. The next thing I would do is mentally commit to starting my diet all over again the next day. Little by little, my weight crept up until I gained 30 pounds.
THE OVERLOOKED ELEMENTS OF AN EATING DISORDER
That was only one element to my eating disorder. The other part was my addiction to cosmetic treatments, facials, Botox, fillers, and even surgeries. I worked in plastic surgery for 8 years, so it was all right there being offered to me on a gold platter. The last and most difficult part to overcome was the dialogue that would go on in my head. I genuinely feel free from the first two elements, but this one is still a struggle. The criticism, self-hatred, and thoughts of comparison were and still can be overwhelming.
LIFE WITHOUT “ED”
Someone gave me a book called “life without Ed (Eating Disorder),” and it was life-changing. Click here to purchase. It opened my eyes to my inner dialogue and showed me the power it had over my actions. “Ed” is the voice we hear in our head when we have an eating disorder. The sad part is we all feel so alone with “Ed,” yet we all experience him. That voice is like a toxic boyfriend speaking lies of manipulation and control, followed by a complete confidence breakdown. He shows up every time we look in the mirror or walk past a window reflection. He is there when we eat, when we’re hungry, and when it’s late at night and we can’t fall asleep. He doesn’t let us out of his sight because he has to be ready for any opportunity given to convince us we are unworthy and powerless to overcome. I believed Ed for a very long time… until I recognized who he was and what his agenda was. Once I had this revelation I really began to heal.
If you can relate to any or all of this I want you to understand something. Being on this side of my struggle, I wouldn’t dare change the valley I had to go through. I made a promise when I was in recovery that if I ever made it through, I would share it in hopes that it would comfort someone, somewhere. You are not alone. There are people who understand your pain and want to help equip you to overcome. I am one of them.