FAITHFULLY EVER AFTER

The screen of my phone lit up with his name, and instantly my stomach flipped. In the sound of silence that followed, my spirit heard the faint whisper of the familiar voice I have known my entire life. The Voice gently probed, “Are you really willing to give up everything we have in order to pursue him?” The response in my heart and mind that followed was the scariest moment of my life to date, as I heard my soul reply, “I don’t know.” 

THE PREACHER’S DAUGHTER

I grew up in a home of passionate, faith-filled believers. My dad, now a Reverend, has been in the ministry in some way as long as I can remember, my mom dutifully fulfilling her role to support him and the church in every possible way she could have. She played the piano, she served with the women, and she handled finances and reports. She did it all. That meant that my brother and I spent countless evenings entertaining ourselves at church as mom and dad served. I am a preacher’s daughter. 

My faith has always been my own. I have chosen to turn to Jesus in moments of joy and distress my entire life. From sobbing my eyes out as a toddler because I just wanted Jesus to come back and take me to heaven, to declaring his name over my bedroom when my little mind was frightened with images and night terrors that plagued me, he was always my rescuer, my safe space, and the peace my heart craved. Jesus wasn’t an idea that I felt my parents forced upon me. He wasn’t a religion I was a better person for adhering to. Jesus was and is as real as the oxygen I breathe in and out in every fleeting moment. The relationship I have had with him my entire life has always been the single most precious and dear thing to my heart.

My parents claim that at the age of 3 years old, they discovered I was sneaking out to the neighbors’ homes and asking them if they wanted to know Jesus. By the time I was 7, I’d met my first international missionary and knew that’s what I was going to do, too. At 13, my heart bursted with desire to help with the AIDS crisis in Africa. By 17, I was on my first overseas mission trip, by 20, I was the first female to preach in the church I grew up in, and by 21, everything I’d ever known was in question, and I was at a crossroads I never, in a million years, saw myself standing in front of.

LOVE LOST

You see, all these huge pieces of my story were met with a type of struggle and battle that the average onlooker couldn’t begin to see. It appeared that I was the preacher’s daughter who followed in her daddy’s footsteps, wanting nothing more than to just love Jesus and love other people. And while that was true, what many people don’t understand is that a desire for that is met with a very real, very aggressive enemy who is willing to go to any length to stop you. Because while all of this was going on, I was being lied to by this enemy little by little, day after day.

Due to a series of events I had experienced over the course of these years, I had become convinced that if I loved someone or something, God was most likely going to take it away in order to teach me some kind of lesson I needed for a stronger character, endurance, or faith. Let me be clear: while God absolutely does allow us to experience pain for these very reasons, the enemy used this to create resentment in me toward God, a fear of listening to His voice for what He might say, and ultimately a distrust for His motive and heart towards me. The little girl who cried on her bed because she wanted so badly for Jesus to come and take her home to heaven turned into a young woman whose heart was so lost and so hardened, that the love she had for him was no longer there.

A SICK HEART

There was a boy who was no good for me. He was rude, flaky, manipulative, and had me wrapped around his finger. There was something so intoxicating about him, I was 100% under his spell. There was no mistaking that God was warning me that I needed to end my communication with him. Being someone who feels the Holy Spirit’s voice as a physical sensation in her body (more on that another time), every time I saw his name light up on my phone, I felt sick. And I was sick in so many ways. I was sick of giving up what I wanted constantly. I was sick of heartbreak. I was sick of pain. I was sick of getting my hopes up over something in life for God to tell me “no”. And most of all, my heart, so deceived, so broken, and so tricked, was so, so sick.

Then came the moment I will never forget. The screen of my phone lit up with his name, and instantly my stomach flipped. In the sound of silence that followed, my spirit heard the faint whisper of the familiar voice I have known my entire life. The Voice gently probed, “Are you really willing to give up everything we have in order to pursue him?” The response in my heart and mind that followed was the scariest moment of my life to date, as I heard my soul reply, “I don’t know.” 

For many of you, you may not understand why this moment of my life was so terrifying. Everything I ever knew, and the most important person and aspect of my life from day one was suddenly being questioned in a way I wouldn’t have ever believed would happen if you’d have told me. To me, Jesus was never someone that probably existed and I was choosing to believe in him. Remember, Jesus in my life was no different than oxygen. His existence was undeniable. Even in this moment, his existence was never in question. The thought in my mind was, “I know Jesus is real. I know there are so many who have such beautiful and real relationships with him. That’s amazing that they have that. But I just don’t know if that kind of relationship could happen for me, and I don’t know if that’s something I even care about pursuing anymore.” 

The darkest days of my life followed. I wasn’t praying. I wasn’t reading my Bible. I was, however, still getting my butt up and going to church with my best friend. Going to church and sitting silently and bitterly was the only thing I could muster up the strength to do. It was the last little bit of effort I was willing to give. And even in my bitterness, God honored it.

THE TIME TO CHOOSE

I was in an evening church service for young adults, and the pastor was speaking about how you can’t be half in and half out with your faith. You can’t be in two places at once. If you haven’t decided you’re all in with God, then you’re not in at all. The spirit of God was present that night, making it very clear that the time to make a choice was here. He had been so patient, allowing me to be angry. He was capable of handling it. He allowed me to be bitter and hurt. He wasn’t mad at me for it. But in this moment, I knew it was time to decide what I was going to do. I was still so angry, so bitter, so resentful. This was not a moment where the clouds parted and I saw the light and I knew, without a doubt, that God was good and I had been deceived by the enemy. This was a moment of darkness as two worlds fought for my heart and loyalty. I faced my two choices: either I was going to give up following God so I could make sure I could have what I wanted in my life, or I was going to surrender my life to God’s will, sacrificing my own desires in many situations, and trust that He is who He says is, which is far more loving than I could imagine, more merciful than I deserve, and more compassionate and tender towards me than I’ve ever realized. In the middle the service, I fell on my knees, sobbing in front of everyone around me. My spirit cried out to my God, “I can’t even say that I love you anymore. I don’t love you right now. But I will surrender myself and everything to you, trusting that you are who you say you are. You win.” Immediately, I left the room and contacted the boy I was talking to and ended all communication with him.

FAITHFULLY EVER AFTER

In the days, weeks, and months that followed, my life changed. Immediately, doors to crazy opportunities I had no idea about were flying open that I would never have been able to walk through if I hadn’t surrendered. I was asked to move to Jordan and volunteer at a special needs school for a semester, which would both test my faith and feed my international soul. Living in Jordan would lead me to meet someone that brought me to Southern California. And if I had never come here, I would have never met the absolute love of my life, happy place, and best friend… my husband.

In the moments of darkness I experienced when I was so upset that the answer was always “no”, I was tempted to give up everything I’d known so I could create the life I wanted for myself instead of having to obey God. But if I had done that, perhaps I would still be with the rude, manipulative boy instead of the most humble, wise, absolutely gorgeous breath of Jesus in a man. Perhaps I wouldn’t have had the blessing God wanted for me.

If you are reading this and you are angry that you have been nothing but faithful, nothing but submissive, constantly trying to serve God for what seems to be a crappy hand dealt to you, I am here to remind you who that God you serve is. God has a life designed and intended for you and you alone. It will be painful. It will be tough. But sweet friend, His thoughts and His ways toward you are good. Trust the “no”, submit to the “wait”, thank Him for the “yes”, and fall on your knees in praise to it all. 

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew so in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” ~Ephesians 2:10

xo,
Suz