GOD WHERE’S MY BABY?

It’s Sunday and we’re going to church! We thought we were going to baseball, however the games were cancelled due to the rain. For me this was a really pleasant surprise because I love church with my family more than anything. Walking into church early with my two handsome boys (husband and step son) I begin to notice something. As I look around I see pregnant women EVERYWHERE. My first thought “how cute is this girl with the most adorable baby bump rocking the cutest overalls and striped tee.”

WHEN AN UNPREDICTABLE SHIFT IN EMOTIONS HITS

Over the course of the next few moments I found myself overcome with new thoughts. Thoughts that quickly took me from joy filled smiles to fighting back tears of intense grief.

“These girls look like babies, how is it they are married & pregnant already?”

In that moment it hit me. I’m really hurting over this. Much deeper than I thought. My past pains and failures are no secret. For whatever reason, God made me someone who is weirdly comfortable sharing the tough things. Even when they are embarrassing or shameful. As I continued to process what I was feeling I couldn’t help but feel as if I was in unchartered waters. This was new territory for me. These feelings have been there for awhile, why did it take this long to identify this hurt in my life?

APPROACHING 35

As I get very close to turning 35, there seems to be a massive weight attached to this dream I have of having babies with my husband. To me, there was time (I know there still is). I had gotten SO blessed when I married him, that he already has two incredible kids that I get the privilege of being a step mom to. I literally couldn’t have stitched together two more perfect kids to call family. My only wish is that I could have known them both when they were younger (they are 14 and 20).

WHEN DOUBT INVADES

I’m significantly younger than my husband. However, I am not young when it’s relative to pregnancy. In fact, I am rapidly approaching the age of “high risk.”  Now that my husband and I are a year into our marriage the question of babies is a frequent one that we both aren’t sure how to answer. The reason, it’s absolutely impossible for us to get pregnant right now. There’s no chance that I will wake up tomorrow, take a test and see two lines pointing to positive. We have what potentially could be multiple very big mountains to climb before this is even a possibility for us. If this was 5 years ago those mountains would be much smaller. But they aren’t. They are massive and there is a deadline. And that deadline makes me SO uncomfortable. Daily, it feels like my window is getting smaller. And even if it stays open and I am able to have babies later in my 30’s or even into my 40’s is that really what I want? I always imagined being a young, and energetic mom. I know for a fact it wasn’t until my husband met me just a few years ago that he never thought he would be having babies in his mid to late forties. He says he wants it with me desperately, and I see it in his eyes when we talk about it, but I can’t help but ask the question of doubt (the question that would come regardless of how he truly feels about it), “does he REALLY?”

WHEN IT FEELS LIKE TOO MUCH

As the worship music began, and the lights grew dim the room quickly went quiet,  I couldn’t help but find myself trying to catch my breath and silence this flood of thoughts. Sorting through these thoughts felt like too much. Especially in that moment when I was unprepared and uncomfortable letting anyone around me (including my husband and step son) know what I was feeling. It felt like I was suffocating, drowning and screaming in a crowded room where no one is listening.

Throughout the first few minutes of worship I began to ask God the questions of “why.”

WHY do I have to wait?

WHY will I have to be an older mom?

WHY do I have to hurt and want it, and it be so difficult?

WHY GOD!? 

WHY does this have to be another painful thing in my life that keeps me guessing and wondering if it will ever happen?

I had come to grips that waiting on love was something I absolutely NEEDED to go through. I knew deep down while I was waiting, that I was not ready and needed to heal and grow. All the other hurts and disappointments, set backs, failures, mistakes, and broken….all the things I have written about for YEARS, I just didn’t want to have to write about this. I wanted this to come easy.

THE TRUTH WILL COME, WE MUST BE WILLING TO RECEIVE IT

And then it hit me. Literally in an instant the thoughts were silenced, the why’s washed away, and the gentle peace bringing whisper of Jesus ministering to me what I so desperately needed…..TRUTH.

I realized how selfish all these thoughts were. My desire to have a baby with my husband wasn’t just something I wanted and came up with on my own. If I do have a child, it’s something I’ve been entrusted with. It’s part of a bigger plan that I have very little to no control over. And in order to be trusted, I needed to learn a lesson. It’s not about me. Not at all. But we grow up conditioned that having kids is for us. We would never actually admit that. But this drive to have kids is actually most of the time coming from a very broken and empty place within us. Having kids is a gift, But it’s also an assignment. A calling. Going into it with a “me” mentality is going into it with a blinder over our eyes. A blinder that doesn’t just cause hurt in our lives, but one that causes pain and broken in a life or multiple lives that we are responsible for. It isn’t about what’s convenient for us or doing it according to our vain agenda. It isn’t about being a young and energetic mom. It’s about being able to make sacrifices and raise decent God fearing people. When the drive is about us and adding to our life or filling a void within us we are going about it completely wrong.

This morning I asked my husband to pray for us and this dream. His words weren’t words of requests, they were words of faith and trust in God’s timing and his plan for us. It was more of a declaration that we will trust in Him regardless of the outcome.

As I begin to wrap my brain around these truths I also find peace in them. And I hope if you find yourself in a similar situation that you will too. My worship will continue regardless if this happens for me or not.

“Jesus….. on you I will wait. I will lean on your promise and You will renew my strength.”

Xo KC