AND IF NOT, HE IS STILL GOOD (part one)

When expectations meet reality

7:52 am. The house is quiet. My husband is off to work, and my 11 month old boxer puppy is preoccupied chewing a bone. *Deep breath* I sigh. Eyes swollen from a hysterical breakdown the night before I sit in the peaceful silence of my home. With closed eyes I pray these simple, and somewhat poetic words “Quiet my heart Lord, I am listening.” A sudden response strikes my spirit ….. “finally.”

The night before I made an emotional decision. This was a giant life changing decision. One that affected more than just myself. I didn’t consult my husband or pray about it, I just declared I had come to the end of myself and something needed to change. My first mistake, making this decision while I was angry and hysterical. So what was it, you’re thinking?  As I write this I realize how ridiculous the build up is, but now that my emotions have subsided I realize just how absurd this whole thing seems. Okay, enough build up, here it goes. 

I decided it was time to give up on having a child.

I know I sound crazy…

Without knowing any back story this probably sounds like I’ve gone through years of trying, years of tests, and perhaps even losses and miscarriages. No, no… that is not at all what I’ve been through.

My dream of having a child started when I was a child. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, I couldn’t envision myself being a teacher, nurse, or hair stylist. But What I could see with crystal clear vision, was me as a mother. I often would stuff a pillow under my old school Reebok sweatshirt and gaze in the mirror imagining what it would really feel like to carry a baby. While I knew I had time before this dream would ever become a reality, never did I ever imagine just how long it would actually take. And never did I ever think I would be in a place where time was running out, and the reality was looking like there was no way for me to have a baby with my husband. 

Giving it up

So here I am, after years of begging and pleading for God to bless me with a baby, giving it all up. And God responding to me in his sharp yet gentle voice “finally.” As I processed what I just heard in my spirit, I began to think of how angry I should be. Angry at God. Why would I want this so bad, And be so sure this was something I would have in my life? And after years of praying, expecting, planning, and dreaming all of a sudden decide to throw in the towel and raise my flag in surrender, declaring I am done. And to top it off after years of God’s silence on the topic he  speaks, and when he does it’s “finally.” Like what the heck God!? I should absolutely be furious right now. Yet, I’m not. In fact, I’m weirdly comforted by it.

How I know God is real

It’s in these moments, I find myself assured of the reality of Jesus. For me, it’s not when I am standing on the mountain that I recognize how real God is. Good things can and do happen to us all the time. We all go through highs in life and are grateful for those highs. For me, I am thankful to God because I know those highs are a result of his grace and goodness. However, It’s in the valley, in the pain, loss and suffering that I see Him through a clear lense. If I wasn’t saved, and I had just experienced the biggest, most unfair loss of my life I would be angry at someone or some thing. That’s humanness. We don’t go through life altering pain without feeling emotions of anger, that is our nature. What I do know as I begin to accept that this dream may not happen, is that I should be angry. And I am not. Not right now at least. I could spin in thought circles and over analyze that the reason I am fine today is because this is still Gods plan for me, it just may not be the time yet. But that isn’t letting it go. That isn’t fully surrendering. That’s me coming up with plan B. God isn’t in our plan B. What he wants, is me right where I am currently at. Fully surrendered to whatever it is that he has planned for us. The only account for the comfort I am feeling in this pain is the clear truth that Gods spirit is with me. The Holy Spirit. It’s just so much bigger than me. And He’s there hurting with me, holding me, loving me perfectly.

Sure, I’ve been mad at God in the past. When it took dating disappointment after disappointment and nearly 10 years of singleness, I was pretty mad. It was literally a day before I met my husband that I found myself face to face with His grace in a manner I had yet to encounter. I was angry, and I blamed God. I fell to the floor of my loft apartment on the cold hardwood floors crying in hysterics, yelling at God that I was mad and I was going to give up on waiting for the man He had for me. It was the next day I met my husband John, who is without a shadow of a doubt the man God chose for me.

This time though for reasons I can’t comprehend, I find myself in this potentially very lonely situation, not feeling alone at all. Not anymore at least. The fears, thoughts, science, and the reality of our finances just not being in the place we need to make this possible, all seem so small in the face of a very real and loving God telling me it’s all going to be ok. He blocks and arrests as he sees fit for my life. I have learned the hard way over the course of some very defiant moments not to turn my cheek to the requests or commands of my father. And today he was commanding me to release this to Him.

Time for a Bible Story

In the book of Daniel we come upon the story of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and their encounter with King Nebuchadnezzar’s fiery furnace. They were being held captive and had declared they wouldn’t submit to the the kings evil agenda; which was to pull the young Hebrew men away from their living and true God and to submit in worship to the false heathen practices of Babylon. They had purposed deep within their hearts a desire to honor God and live lives of obedience even at the risk of being killed. In the Kings pride he made a massive Gold image and required everyone to fall to their knees and worship it. The punishment for defiance was to be thrown in the fiery furnace and put to death. When the 3 men refused to fall in worship to this false idol in humiliation the king gave them one more chance before throwing them in the furnace. Immediately after the final warning he followed with these words “who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?” There response is what has me thinking and questioning my own obedience to God.

If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up

Dan 3:18

In rage to this response King Nebuchadnezzar demanded the furnace be turned up 7 times as hot. It became so hot that it consumed many of the guards he had chosen to bind up the 3 Hebrew men. They went into the furnace believing that God was good regardless of the outcome. They stood for what was right and in their obedience trusted that God would deliver them in this trial. Even if the outcome wasn’t what they hoped for. Had these 3 brave men not gone into the furnace the king and all of his guards and everyone else there would not have witnessed the glory of the true and living God. The kings heart changed when he saw the fire raging and the Lord appeared with the three men all untouched. He goes on to exclaim “there is no other God who can deliver in this sort.” 

The Lesson

We often view our trials as mountains. We see the different trials as different road blocks and situations to overcome. I’ve come to learn a lesson. This lesson has absolutely nothing to do with me getting my way and having my own baby. This is something that has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with God. Me wanting a baby and unsure if it’s part of God’s plan for my life, whether it happens or not doesn’t change who God is. Sure I’ll be honest, in my small limited thinking I see this “wait” as yet another trial in my life, but it just simply is not. I can tell you what it actually is though. It’s this multi level all inclusive thing that is happening (if I will allow for it); it’s not associated with feelings, or emotions, its just a fact. All we do when we allow our emotions and feelings to interfere is complicate things. It’s simple, and here it is…..God is still good. GOD IS GOOD. He isn’t not good when life gets unbearably painful and difficult. He isn’t not good when things don’t go how we planned or hoped. He isn’t not good when we experience unfair losses or unexplained deaths. He is just always good. If we can wrap our teeny tiny brains around even a fraction of the goodness of God and live our lives based off that solely, we can live free of so much pain, disappointment and grief. We can live how he always intended us to live. So free, and so loved.

To be continued…..